Thursday, 15 November 2007

Which window shall I take?

I know I haven't posted for ages, the real reason is I felt a BIG Failure and wasn't sure what the hell to say. I suppose in a way I had " Infertility cramp",very similar to writers block.. Anyway I will recap what has happened to me, well really the options because nothing has happened. ...

Well I have been surfing and hoping the various BB and Doctor Google would be able to find answers, ie what should I do....

Went to our follow up appointment, left my 50,000 questions on the computer at home.. So I was a little un prepared... Met Super Consultant only £180 per 30 mins, he asked what do you want to do, I croaked in a small voice have another go. I got the donor egg speech. ""Old egg's 99% crap and testicular sperm you would be lucky ""

"Blah, blah, blah, we did in the past (not sure what year it was) have a pregnancy at your age but that was with ejaculated sperm not testicular sperm"

"If you wanted to try again you could but now I will give you a a low chance", I piped up but wouldn't my odds improved because I produced 8 eggs. "0h no Old eggs 99% chromosal defective" was the answer....Ohh way!!

Super Consultant asked "would we consider donor sperm", I shuddered at the thought, I said no because the child wouldn't look like my DH

Super Consultant asked "Would you consider donor embryo - that solves all genetic issues no genetically not like either of you! Once again I said No

Then he brought the Embroylist in who then gave us a 15 mins lecture on DE. All in all £180 well spent. ... I wish , I could of gone to my favourite late nite shopping centre Brent X and brought some shoes with the money. At the appointment, I felt like a bumbling idiot I was so unprepared I think it was because I didn't have my comfort blanket ie 50,000 questions, ie DHEA, Steroids, more blood test,

Super Consultant, scribbled a name of a clinic they use for DE in the USA and suggested I contact them, they have a high success rate of over 60% but with testicular sperm wIll be less.

At the end of our appointment Super Consultant shook our hands and said think about the options and do let him know what we are planning to do.

DH left the follow up appointment quite positive and asked if I was going to go for it ie DE to which I said "No I didn't think so I needed to think about it".... All in all, from my point of view a crap review, I am a bit peeved of with DH because if we had started sooner we wouldn't be in this predicament.. .

Anyway have decided to go to counselling as I believe DH procrastination has put us in this situation so I am not feeling happy with him at the moment..

By the way I checked out the website Super Consultant recommended and it would cost us approx

US website $25K for dedicated donor
$15.5K for shared donor Additional $1k meds$2K ICSI$2K Embryo freezing $240 annual embryo storage45K Embryo defrost FET
Plus my clinic costs...I will probably buy myself a nice car...

We (well I ) opened a bottle of Champers.. to celebrate our life savings going down the pan.. So far we have spent 16K on our two cycles plus 2K of Acupuncture (desperate female) .. we wont have any money left if a child appears...

No sure what to do, at the moment not sure which way the wind will blow....

The options for us are:

1) Donor Sperm - wouldn't look like DH, and one of many the reason why I married him was for his unique looks.

2) Donor Eggs - the child would looknt like me.. USA blooming expensive no guarantee it would work first tine.

3) Try again at our clinic - percentage chance given so low maybe a waste of approx 6K. (ICSI)

4) Try again at another clinic- percentage chance given so low maybe a waste of 6K.

5) Adoption -- Scared we wont make first hurdle

So many options we are not sure which way to turn. Maybe I should throw a dice to decide,,,Anyway hopefully by 2008 we will be sorted......

At the moment, I am feel like I am procrastinating, also I am being a bit unrealistic about my chances of success because at my age time is not on my side so maybe DE is the answer but at the moment I am not ready for this I do quest for a child who will be like me in someway. I need to try again and be told my eggs are genetically flawed, ie PGS before I get closure and move on.

So for everyone out there peace and I do hope all your dreams come true ...

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Limbo Land

Thanks to everyone who enquired about me... Well no doubt as you have already guessed, I tested on the 1st Oct it was a big BFN. The bad news hit me so much harder than I had imagined, I suppose it really floored me and I just couldnt blog. For the last two weeks I have been in a zombie like state just going through the motion. In my head I had imagined it would be good news, because this cycle was better than last time, in one way I had a slight chink of positivity about me and thought this may have been the cycle to fulfill our dreams. Anyway it wasn't to be.

I am not sure where our journey will take us, but at the moment I feel so lost and upset, my entire life has been on hold because our focus was for us to have a baby. So many issues are now coming to surface, my job, DH relationship, life. I am not sure what I am going to do..... I feel so down like I am stuck in the twilight zone. I feel such a failure.... In my personal life everything I set out to achieve I normally do, but this baby making has beaten me. Infertility stinks....

Hopefully, the sun will shine again and I will be at peace again. I found the link to this song on another blog and the words are true and momentarily made me feel better. We are no less of a Woman because of our 'Infertility' issues (Lady Saw)

Everyone out there take care and hope all our dreams come true in one way or another..

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Still hanging in there by a thread

Just a quick post to say, I am still having AF like pains, but no way has painful as the ones a few day ago. On Tuesday after posting I had a shower and went to bed early which was a first for me. I have decided to stop reading the two weeks wait site because it is making me more anxious.

At the moment I have everything crossed and will add I am doing the famous Knicker checking at every interval. I really thought I would be a bit more together at this stage but I suppose one can only predict what they think they will do in a situation.

Also in a way, this cycle will be closure for me.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Is a party going on?

This TWT aka "Two Weeks Torture" is blooming har, I am finding this so stressful ..

Since I posted yesterday, it looks like my Embryos heard and thought things were to quiet so they decided to cause a bit of a stir. I think they may be having a party or (with my PMA hat on are thrashing my insides try to implant, but are unable to get comfortable). At the moment, I have the worse AF like pain which started about 6pm and it worrying me. I have waves of pain radiating around my back and in my center.

I am not sure what is going to happen but these pains are scarey. I know I am a big wuss, so I should be able to stand a little AF pain but this is getting unbearable. I suppose I should take some Parcemtols is this allowed?

I wish I could go to sleep now and wake up on test day.. I am off to listen to my relaxztion cd, to see if that helps..

Monday, 24 September 2007

One week of TWT

Finally the first week of my "Two Week Torture" has passed.

I spent the first three days post ET surfing the net and watching season one of Alley McBeal. which brought back memories because I was in my early 30's then. I spent a hell of a lot of time Googling every single twinge which was bad and only made me worry more. My week off ended and I went back to work which was a godsend because it made me forgot about the aches and twinges, but in saying that work has been hell ie extremely busy.

Once a year my company has a "bring your kids to work day" which for the parents is divine because you get to spend all day with your kids and get paid. However, for us who are not in the Mother hood club, it is slightly disheartening because you realise on that day it dawns on you in a big way you are not part of that exclusive club, your on the sideline and cant join in with the discussions about schools or whatever. Anyway the last occurrence of this at my work place was in July and boy o boy did I find the day hard, especially with the benched cycle. Anyway, I got one better, here's why "I brought my Embryos to work", which made me feel slightly better. I know I sound crazy but the "PUPO" is a nice status to have.

I still having a few twinges, and AF like cramps, but so far nothing really which will convince me. At times, I really do wonder if my embryo's have left home. The only symptom I have, is my boobs feel really heavy. The twice a day prog supp are driving me mad because they are extremely messy and causing slight soreness. Not sure how but I managed to go to work today with white chalk like on my jacket. No it not what you think, I probably brushed it on my jacket before the act! When I arrived into work it was pointed out to me I casually replied I was not sure what it is, probably something from, the tube and spent the next 30 mins in the ladies trying to remove the evil wax like substance.

A few days ago, I was relatively confident about this cycle but my Googling has brought me back to reality with a bump. I found on the net an interesting article about egg quality and age, and it had really depressed me. In hindsight I wish I hadn't read it.

Believe or not I found this site Yes, I will confess I have reading the site a hell of a lot.......

I am talking to my Embryos and visualising them implanting. I have asked my Embryo if one of them stay can around because Mummy and Daddy are super people and they already have a spare room waiting for them to stay rent free for 18 years.

I hope everyone else is fine..

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Up and Running

Can you believe it, of all the time for our broadband Router to die, is whilst I am at the most critical part of my treatment. Anyway now it is sorted out so I am back blogging.......

Friday 14th
They managed to fertilise 5 eggs. Of the other 3, 2 were immature and 1 damaged, (alarm bells old eggs). I was relative happy with this because had somehow managed to produce more eggs than last time and stimmed for 2 days less. I do wonder if this was due to the weekly Acupuncture I have been having since April or did the supplements as recommended by "The Infertility Cure Radine Lewis" which I had been taking contributed in any manner??

Saturday 15th
The Embryologist called and said four of the "Famous Five! were progressing but one they think had an abnormal growth spur to 7 cells, so this one is being ignored. Also, confirmed we were set for ET on Sunday. After that call I was so happy because we were so much further down the road than last time. I know it sounds sad, but I was so excited we had come this far and will add did shed a tear.

Sunday 16th
The best three out of the four were Assisted Hatching. If our one remaining embryo manages to get to blast stage hopefully we may have a frosty. (my clinic only freezes blasts).

I wasn't able to see Tom, Dick and Harry before they were transferred to me for safe keeping because the screen was not working nor did I get a printout of them as tiny white specks.

ET wasn't quite the relaxed process it should of been. (I will tell this story at a later date but now I need to have a PMA). After my ET, I was made to lie on the bed for 20 mins, I know it sounds strange and I can't really explain this properly but I will try. When I was resting I felt like finally my embryos were in the rightful place, they had come home. It was like an invisible comfort blanket was surrounding me and I had such a feeling of well being and peacefulness. I felt emotional, maybe it was because for us this was the final chapter, we had been waiting since March for this to happen, it felt like everything had come to together.

I had Acupuncture before and after ET which I really needed due to the fact my clinic was running horribly late (only 2hrs disgraceful). So I guess the wait made me a little anxious. Whilst waiting for my ET I spent 1.5 hrs emptying my bladder and refilling it. To make matters worse because I was 1 hour late for my post ET transfer Acupuncture session and I was charged for the hour my Acupuncturist had to wait at time and a half. (I suppose I should cross charge this to my clinic).

Finally we got home and I was able to rest, so I watched loads of trashy DVD. DH did everything it was great, I love a man in the kitchen, it really turns me on...

So far
I have done nothing at all, watched TV and surfed the net trying to find out when Tom. Dick and Harry are going to implant. (From what I read, suggestions are anytime from, day 5 to 8 so it should be anytime from now to Friday).

Now I am at the end of day 2 of my 2WW, I have been having loads of strange twinges and pain since my ET which I hope is my Ovaries shrinking back to size and not Tom, Dick and Harry leaving home. Also, I have I just remembered this is going to be the hard bit, the waiting game where I will worry about every single twinge.

I am trying to have a positive hat on but I know our odds are low and I just hope Lady luck shines on us. It is possible I have read a few positive stories of Oldies (on a Fertility BB) who had children at 42/43 after IVF and using own eggs,

After the ET I said to DH its all over now, there is nothing we can do to assist this process, it is all in the hands of God. So I guess we will have to adopt and wait a see attitude. If its meant to happen, it will but if it isn't it will not. (I know these are brave words being said at the moment but I need to be realistic to save myself any anguish).

So I have everything crossed at the moment.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

Egg Eviction

Here is a summary of today's events.......

I was so worked up last night I didn't get to bed until 1.30am and then we were up again at 5.15am. Finally got to my clinic at 6.55am, we were a bit annoyed no one was around to book us in. We finally got booked in at 7.20am and the Consultant Urologist was fashionably late. DH went down to theatre for his PESA. They managed to extract some fresh sperm which appeared to be better than the frozen stuff.

I was lucky as the Consultant who did my EC was the one who did all my scans during my Feb cycle. He was extremely charming and reassured me I was in good hands. (He now works for the NHS rather than private).

Anyway I finally went down at 10.30 by that time I was getting a little agitated and worked up aka stressing. When I came around my famous word were "how many eggs". I cannot believe they managed to retrieve 8 eggs.

(I wasn't told the number which were suitable for ICSI ie mature enough). Now I just pray that DH spermies does it stuff, last time I got 7 eggs. 6 mature and 2 fertilised.

BTW another thing which was reassuring. Whilst I was in recovery I had a chat with the recovery nurse (well post drug induced chat). She told me about her trying for a baby quest. She already has a 10 year old and has been trying for 8 years. Finally we went to GP and down the IVF route, however her father died in Dec 06, so she delayed her treatment. In Jan she restarted the process and on the day of her Hystercopy her car broke down so she missed her appointment which annoyed her because it meant she was back at the end of the queue again. However. that month she missed a period and found out she was expecting, she is due in November 07, and has the tinest bump I have every seen. (An Elite at 41, so it does prove it is possible)

It was really nice talking to her because she also talked about the baby hunger, drive and the emotional aspects of ttc, ie everyone around you are getting pregnant and your turn never come up. Also she said at the time she conceived she was ready to give up and in a way therefore wasn't as stressed as before. So my motto is I will try not to stress for this cycle and go with the flow.

I must dash and see if DH is OK, he is such a trooper and has a high pain threshold compared to me. I don't feel as sore to last time maybe it was the Arnica tablets I have been popping.

P.S You may think I am crazy and I probably am am, but don't you think this is spooky but at earlier today I was sent me a text message which read

"I have just sent 8 angels to watch over u. ************
You must send them to 8 people including me
and in 8 minutes u will get some good news".

2hr after this message, I got my good news ie 8 eggs evicted.

I just pray that my eggs are fertilise and I get at least two embies, that's all I ask for.

So I wait and wait with baited breath to hear from the Embryologists....

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

It was the night before..........

I am totally confused regarding what day in my cycle I am at as my brain has gone wozzy, I think it is day 11.

So far, I have stimmed for 9 days and at my last scan on Monday I had 7 follies. I am a bit disappointed at this cycle and wanted to stim for longer for three reasons:

1) I still have 12 vials of Menopur left. last time I stimmed for 11 days

2) I had hoped with my Elite ovaries to replicate the number of eggs retrieved at my last attempt. I really wanted to prove my Consultant wrong. He is of the opinion that becuase I am 4 months older I will fare worse. I did ask if I was to stim for one more day would this help but Mr Consultant thought one ovary had gone to sleep so there was no point. Not being an expert I had to listen to his advice and go with the flow.

3) With us having ICSI the more eggs I have increases our fertilisation rate.

I took my trigger shot last night and in less than 13 hrs I will be having egg collection. I am feeling a bit nervy and anxious and can definitely feel my heart racing. In comparison to DH he is so relaxed considering he will be having a PESA at 7.00am. (in less than 10 hrs). At the moment he is watching football and taking it all in his stride. I do wish I was of the same temperament,why am I a stress cadet?

Anyway I am off to try to destress myself so I am going to have a long soak in the bath and listen to my relaxation hypnotherapy CD.

I do hope, I get some eggs that fertilise....

Saturday, 8 September 2007

Second scan

Friday was day 6 of stimming, so far I have approx 7 follies in total, 5 on the left ovary (of varying size, tiny, small, med and large !) and 2 on the right. I am not sure if the uniformity of sizes is down to me being on Short Protocol or my age. The nurse tried to reassure me and said every cycle is different and I should not compare this cycle with the last. Anyway I disagree and think it is change of Protocol

After seeing my scan results the Consultant suggested depending on my E2 levels results I may have to change appointment ie a scan on Sunday and earlier EC. That would definitely of scuppered mine and DH plans. Anyway lucky for me my E2 levels were ok so I am to continue with my dosage and final scan as normal on Monday.

Friday night, I completely balled up my Cetrotide injection not sure what I did but managed to get so much air in the syringe which I couldnt get out. In the end I decided to throw it away rather than injecting half a dose or loads of air. So now I have to remember to get a prescription to buy another. I suppose you are thinking why didn't DH do the injections, well he was being arsy! I confess I am being a little fickle but my DH is driving me completely mad. After I wrote those lovely lovey dovey things about him what did he do but wind me up@?@!%&. Anyway we have called a truce and Kofi Anan is to be peace keeper.

My next scan is Monday, so hopefully I will get go ahead for next stage. This time I am trying to manage my expectation and I am taking everything one step at a time. I hope to stay grounded I cant influence things so I better go with the flow but on the other hand do hope lady luck will shine on me.

Anyway this weekend, I am taking it easy I am in egg growing mode, so drinking loads of water, and getting loads of rest,

Have a good weekend everyone.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

First scan


So far my injecting is going reasonable well. At my last cycle in Feb I do recall feeling resentful that DH wasn't really involved, and it was all down to me. This time DH is doing the injections (he is a dab hand at doing the Menopur) and getting involved so it means the two of us are having a bit of a laugh. (Well DH is, he is laughing at me for being a bit squeamish, he is a bit evil with the needle. I really wonder what our neighbours are thinking when they hear my screams and laughter at around 8pm).

In hindsight, I don't think we were ready to cycle a few months ago, that's why the evil cyst appeared. To much had happened in our life's and in retrospect we were just going with the flow, trying to keep our head above water. Also the time out on our various short holidays really recharged our batteries. More importantly prior to this treatment we were really able to discuss how much the IF and ttc was affecting our life. So I suppose in retrospect this cycle has allowed me to discharge some negativity feeling I had regarding DH and our situation. Regardless what happens in the next month, I really love my DH.

If I had to choose one of the following:

A) A baby with someone else

B) DH and no baby

I would 1000% choose option B.

No doubt you guys don't want to hear me rambling on, so I will move on to my clinic results.

Spent 2hr at my clinic today, ie first scan and blood test, at the moment a few small follies on one ovary and two on the other. I asked my Consultant is this good, and he said everything things appears OK, we have to see how much they grow in the coming days.

So that's it at the moment everything is growing so I will have to wait and see. On a positive note, I am still in the game. So I will go back to growing follies. Because I feel like a condemned hen, this is my last shot I am taking Solgar Whey Protein to boost eggs. Is any one else taking it?

Only one negativity post taking my Cetrotide I am having some serious hot flushes.

I hope everyone journey is going well.

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Back in the game


On Friday I went to my clinic for baseline scan/go ahead to start treatment. Good news, my evil cyst had been eradicated, (whoppee after 8 weeks) so I was given go head to start the Short Protocol today. (First injection tonight not looking forward to it).

On Friday at 4.30pm my clinic informed me that I would have to source the Cetrotide because they don't stock it! So I spent my entire Saturday phoning up half the pharmacy's in London. Good news I did finally manage to locate it all for the princely sum of £255 for 7 syringes and 2hrs traveling. So much for the planned Zen like relaxation on Saturday but me worrying I couldnt source the meds. Hopefully it will be for a good cause!

I not sure how I feel about starting, on one hand I am relatively happy that I will be starting our final treatment and we will know the outcome by end of Sept. On the other hand I wish I could postpone our treatment because then I wouldn't know the truth and I could still enjoy my daydreams (IE when we have children). On a positive note "this life on hold state of limbo" will be put to bed once and for all. The only problem I have with closure is, when we started this TTC I forgot what my real life was about. Looks like after this treatment I will have to reinvent myself and get back on track with enjoying my life. (Maybe a new career looms, who knows what the future holds, so I suppose I will go with the flow).

For everyone cycling at the moment pure postive vibes I hope our dreams come true.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Should I stay or should I go?

At the moment I am in two minds to cancel my impeding cycle. From my last appointment, my results were FSH 5.5 and AMH 6.8 (My DH had taken notes during the meeting). On reading these figures I thought my results were OK for a 42 year old and didn't warrant a 1 to 2% chance but after searching various fertility BB'S I am of the opinion the odds are really stacked against us.

My DH really wants us to try again and isn't really into Donor eggs. One moment I am relative OK thinking if this cycle doesn't work then plan B Donor eggs but then I am not sure. More importantly I need to do this cycle for closure. I want to reclaim from life back from IVF. My entire life has been put on hold for the last 4+ years and I want the old me back. Happy, warm hearted, crazy, fun and loving.

I wish I could turn the clocks back, if only I was 10 years older. I know there would of been no guarantees but at least my odds would have been better.

I suppose in writing this down I have convinced myself that I need to do this and in a way I am sort of prepared to do the cycle. (I have already have the majority of my medication). So in it looks like I will have accept my fate, for my peace of mind and to ensure I have no regrets in the future I think I will stay on the rollercoaster and just go with the flow.

Monday, 20 August 2007

Pill Popping

Hi blogworld,

I am still pill popping only another 7 days to go. (once again the IVf planner). This may sound strange but I am going to miss the sniffing, I actually liked sniffing ie Superfact downregging! I know it made me feel dry and irritable but I do recall at one point it made my stomach flat and I didn't need an alarm to wake me up. Anyway I have just found out that the Cetrotide is not tablets but has to be injected. I am not looking forward to that, seeing has I am scared of needles. Anyway that is in future (I will take one day at time).

I jumped on the scale this morning as DH brought a new one, my nephew broke our last one and was shocked to find out I have put on a whole load of weight since this process started. So I am walking more I am not sure but it may help and cut out all snacks. At this rate I will be a little elephant.

By the way did anyone take protein ie Solgar Whey to go? I brought some for my last cycle but forgot to take any. It just that being a vegetarian, I think my protein level may be low.

I hope every one is well and all our dreams come true.

Take care every one

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

You can take the small window - Route C

Just got in from a lovely meal with some friends, I forgot I had arranged it months ago and couldn't cancel in view of today. Anyway the meal was super and my crazy friends were on top form and being with them made me forgot my worries.

Anyway, I had my follow up this morning. The Consultant said taking everything into consideration IE low AMH, Antral follie, FSH, BMI, E2 and age,we were given the grand old stats of 2% (live birth) max success for this cycle!!!!!!!!!! So in his opinion it is up to us to decide if we want a final attempt. All in all his confidence was low based on oldies results at his clinic. !!!!!!!. He apologises for being straight talking and said he wanted to truthful and not gloss things over. (This came as a bit of a shock our chances had now reduced from 10% to 2%).

Anyway I discussed this with DH and I know we are mad we now have a 98 % chance of it not working but decided to give it final shot to get closure. I know if we don't try we will always wonder what if. This time I suppose I will have to be realistic about it working and remember every step of the way that we are doing this for closure. (blooming expensive closure, I could think of many ways to spend our hard earned money).We are probably mad but I need to do this so I can get it out of my system. If this didn't work then I am treating myself to a new yellow MX5.

At our last cycle in Feb we did manage to get 12 follies and 7 eggs, but our Consultant said he believes this time we will probably get much less. If we were to get 4 eggs he would be over the moon. In view of my new results I am being moved from sub optimal response to poor responder. So this time I will be on a short protocol no down regging, I am not really happy about changing my protocol but I am not an expert, so but what can I say. Anyway started pill popping again to reduce cyst so on roller coaster again.

So this time, no big plans with rose tinted glasses I will take one day at a time and try to have a PMA.

P.S I had thought of changing clinics but my clinic is in the top 5 in London and I feel comfortable and relaxed there. If I went to another clinic nothing would change my ovaries wouldn't get younger. I will still be a 42 trying to get knocked up.

Take care guys and thanks for all the support you have given me. I will keep you posted with events. Postive vibes to all.