Thursday 27 September 2007

Still hanging in there by a thread

Just a quick post to say, I am still having AF like pains, but no way has painful as the ones a few day ago. On Tuesday after posting I had a shower and went to bed early which was a first for me. I have decided to stop reading the two weeks wait site because it is making me more anxious.

At the moment I have everything crossed and will add I am doing the famous Knicker checking at every interval. I really thought I would be a bit more together at this stage but I suppose one can only predict what they think they will do in a situation.

Also in a way, this cycle will be closure for me.

Tuesday 25 September 2007

Is a party going on?

This TWT aka "Two Weeks Torture" is blooming har, I am finding this so stressful ..

Since I posted yesterday, it looks like my Embryos heard and thought things were to quiet so they decided to cause a bit of a stir. I think they may be having a party or (with my PMA hat on are thrashing my insides try to implant, but are unable to get comfortable). At the moment, I have the worse AF like pain which started about 6pm and it worrying me. I have waves of pain radiating around my back and in my center.

I am not sure what is going to happen but these pains are scarey. I know I am a big wuss, so I should be able to stand a little AF pain but this is getting unbearable. I suppose I should take some Parcemtols is this allowed?

I wish I could go to sleep now and wake up on test day.. I am off to listen to my relaxztion cd, to see if that helps..

Monday 24 September 2007

One week of TWT

Finally the first week of my "Two Week Torture" has passed.

I spent the first three days post ET surfing the net and watching season one of Alley McBeal. which brought back memories because I was in my early 30's then. I spent a hell of a lot of time Googling every single twinge which was bad and only made me worry more. My week off ended and I went back to work which was a godsend because it made me forgot about the aches and twinges, but in saying that work has been hell ie extremely busy.

Once a year my company has a "bring your kids to work day" which for the parents is divine because you get to spend all day with your kids and get paid. However, for us who are not in the Mother hood club, it is slightly disheartening because you realise on that day it dawns on you in a big way you are not part of that exclusive club, your on the sideline and cant join in with the discussions about schools or whatever. Anyway the last occurrence of this at my work place was in July and boy o boy did I find the day hard, especially with the benched cycle. Anyway, I got one better, here's why "I brought my Embryos to work", which made me feel slightly better. I know I sound crazy but the "PUPO" is a nice status to have.

I still having a few twinges, and AF like cramps, but so far nothing really which will convince me. At times, I really do wonder if my embryo's have left home. The only symptom I have, is my boobs feel really heavy. The twice a day prog supp are driving me mad because they are extremely messy and causing slight soreness. Not sure how but I managed to go to work today with white chalk like on my jacket. No it not what you think, I probably brushed it on my jacket before the act! When I arrived into work it was pointed out to me I casually replied I was not sure what it is, probably something from, the tube and spent the next 30 mins in the ladies trying to remove the evil wax like substance.

A few days ago, I was relatively confident about this cycle but my Googling has brought me back to reality with a bump. I found on the net an interesting article about egg quality and age, and it had really depressed me. In hindsight I wish I hadn't read it.

Believe or not I found this site http://www.twoweekwait.com/web/ Yes, I will confess I have reading the site a hell of a lot.......

I am talking to my Embryos and visualising them implanting. I have asked my Embryo if one of them stay can around because Mummy and Daddy are super people and they already have a spare room waiting for them to stay rent free for 18 years.

I hope everyone else is fine..

Tuesday 18 September 2007

Up and Running

Can you believe it, of all the time for our broadband Router to die, is whilst I am at the most critical part of my treatment. Anyway now it is sorted out so I am back blogging.......

Friday 14th
They managed to fertilise 5 eggs. Of the other 3, 2 were immature and 1 damaged, (alarm bells old eggs). I was relative happy with this because had somehow managed to produce more eggs than last time and stimmed for 2 days less. I do wonder if this was due to the weekly Acupuncture I have been having since April or did the supplements as recommended by "The Infertility Cure Radine Lewis" which I had been taking contributed in any manner??

Saturday 15th
The Embryologist called and said four of the "Famous Five! were progressing but one they think had an abnormal growth spur to 7 cells, so this one is being ignored. Also, confirmed we were set for ET on Sunday. After that call I was so happy because we were so much further down the road than last time. I know it sounds sad, but I was so excited we had come this far and will add did shed a tear.

Sunday 16th
The best three out of the four were Assisted Hatching. If our one remaining embryo manages to get to blast stage hopefully we may have a frosty. (my clinic only freezes blasts).

I wasn't able to see Tom, Dick and Harry before they were transferred to me for safe keeping because the screen was not working nor did I get a printout of them as tiny white specks.

ET wasn't quite the relaxed process it should of been. (I will tell this story at a later date but now I need to have a PMA). After my ET, I was made to lie on the bed for 20 mins, I know it sounds strange and I can't really explain this properly but I will try. When I was resting I felt like finally my embryos were in the rightful place, they had come home. It was like an invisible comfort blanket was surrounding me and I had such a feeling of well being and peacefulness. I felt emotional, maybe it was because for us this was the final chapter, we had been waiting since March for this to happen, it felt like everything had come to together.

I had Acupuncture before and after ET which I really needed due to the fact my clinic was running horribly late (only 2hrs disgraceful). So I guess the wait made me a little anxious. Whilst waiting for my ET I spent 1.5 hrs emptying my bladder and refilling it. To make matters worse because I was 1 hour late for my post ET transfer Acupuncture session and I was charged for the hour my Acupuncturist had to wait at time and a half. (I suppose I should cross charge this to my clinic).


Finally we got home and I was able to rest, so I watched loads of trashy DVD. DH did everything it was great, I love a man in the kitchen, it really turns me on...

So far
I have done nothing at all, watched TV and surfed the net trying to find out when Tom. Dick and Harry are going to implant. (From what I read, suggestions are anytime from, day 5 to 8 so it should be anytime from now to Friday).

Now I am at the end of day 2 of my 2WW, I have been having loads of strange twinges and pain since my ET which I hope is my Ovaries shrinking back to size and not Tom, Dick and Harry leaving home. Also, I have I just remembered this is going to be the hard bit, the waiting game where I will worry about every single twinge.

I am trying to have a positive hat on but I know our odds are low and I just hope Lady luck shines on us. It is possible I have read a few positive stories of Oldies (on a Fertility BB) who had children at 42/43 after IVF and using own eggs,

After the ET I said to DH its all over now, there is nothing we can do to assist this process, it is all in the hands of God. So I guess we will have to adopt and wait a see attitude. If its meant to happen, it will but if it isn't it will not. (I know these are brave words being said at the moment but I need to be realistic to save myself any anguish).

So I have everything crossed at the moment.

Thursday 13 September 2007

Egg Eviction

Here is a summary of today's events.......

I was so worked up last night I didn't get to bed until 1.30am and then we were up again at 5.15am. Finally got to my clinic at 6.55am, we were a bit annoyed no one was around to book us in. We finally got booked in at 7.20am and the Consultant Urologist was fashionably late. DH went down to theatre for his PESA. They managed to extract some fresh sperm which appeared to be better than the frozen stuff.

I was lucky as the Consultant who did my EC was the one who did all my scans during my Feb cycle. He was extremely charming and reassured me I was in good hands. (He now works for the NHS rather than private).

Anyway I finally went down at 10.30 by that time I was getting a little agitated and worked up aka stressing. When I came around my famous word were "how many eggs". I cannot believe they managed to retrieve 8 eggs.

(I wasn't told the number which were suitable for ICSI ie mature enough). Now I just pray that DH spermies does it stuff, last time I got 7 eggs. 6 mature and 2 fertilised.

BTW another thing which was reassuring. Whilst I was in recovery I had a chat with the recovery nurse (well post drug induced chat). She told me about her trying for a baby quest. She already has a 10 year old and has been trying for 8 years. Finally we went to GP and down the IVF route, however her father died in Dec 06, so she delayed her treatment. In Jan she restarted the process and on the day of her Hystercopy her car broke down so she missed her appointment which annoyed her because it meant she was back at the end of the queue again. However. that month she missed a period and found out she was expecting, she is due in November 07, and has the tinest bump I have every seen. (An Elite at 41, so it does prove it is possible)

It was really nice talking to her because she also talked about the baby hunger, drive and the emotional aspects of ttc, ie everyone around you are getting pregnant and your turn never come up. Also she said at the time she conceived she was ready to give up and in a way therefore wasn't as stressed as before. So my motto is I will try not to stress for this cycle and go with the flow.

I must dash and see if DH is OK, he is such a trooper and has a high pain threshold compared to me. I don't feel as sore to last time maybe it was the Arnica tablets I have been popping.

P.S You may think I am crazy and I probably am am, but don't you think this is spooky but at earlier today I was sent me a text message which read

"I have just sent 8 angels to watch over u. ************
You must send them to 8 people including me
and in 8 minutes u will get some good news".

2hr after this message, I got my good news ie 8 eggs evicted.

I just pray that my eggs are fertilise and I get at least two embies, that's all I ask for.

So I wait and wait with baited breath to hear from the Embryologists....

Wednesday 12 September 2007

It was the night before..........

I am totally confused regarding what day in my cycle I am at as my brain has gone wozzy, I think it is day 11.

So far, I have stimmed for 9 days and at my last scan on Monday I had 7 follies. I am a bit disappointed at this cycle and wanted to stim for longer for three reasons:

1) I still have 12 vials of Menopur left. last time I stimmed for 11 days

2) I had hoped with my Elite ovaries to replicate the number of eggs retrieved at my last attempt. I really wanted to prove my Consultant wrong. He is of the opinion that becuase I am 4 months older I will fare worse. I did ask if I was to stim for one more day would this help but Mr Consultant thought one ovary had gone to sleep so there was no point. Not being an expert I had to listen to his advice and go with the flow.

3) With us having ICSI the more eggs I have increases our fertilisation rate.

I took my trigger shot last night and in less than 13 hrs I will be having egg collection. I am feeling a bit nervy and anxious and can definitely feel my heart racing. In comparison to DH he is so relaxed considering he will be having a PESA at 7.00am. (in less than 10 hrs). At the moment he is watching football and taking it all in his stride. I do wish I was of the same temperament,why am I a stress cadet?

Anyway I am off to try to destress myself so I am going to have a long soak in the bath and listen to my relaxation hypnotherapy CD.

I do hope, I get some eggs that fertilise....

Saturday 8 September 2007

Second scan

Friday was day 6 of stimming, so far I have approx 7 follies in total, 5 on the left ovary (of varying size, tiny, small, med and large !) and 2 on the right. I am not sure if the uniformity of sizes is down to me being on Short Protocol or my age. The nurse tried to reassure me and said every cycle is different and I should not compare this cycle with the last. Anyway I disagree and think it is change of Protocol

After seeing my scan results the Consultant suggested depending on my E2 levels results I may have to change appointment ie a scan on Sunday and earlier EC. That would definitely of scuppered mine and DH plans. Anyway lucky for me my E2 levels were ok so I am to continue with my dosage and final scan as normal on Monday.

Friday night, I completely balled up my Cetrotide injection not sure what I did but managed to get so much air in the syringe which I couldnt get out. In the end I decided to throw it away rather than injecting half a dose or loads of air. So now I have to remember to get a prescription to buy another. I suppose you are thinking why didn't DH do the injections, well he was being arsy! I confess I am being a little fickle but my DH is driving me completely mad. After I wrote those lovely lovey dovey things about him what did he do but wind me up@?@!%&. Anyway we have called a truce and Kofi Anan is to be peace keeper.

My next scan is Monday, so hopefully I will get go ahead for next stage. This time I am trying to manage my expectation and I am taking everything one step at a time. I hope to stay grounded I cant influence things so I better go with the flow but on the other hand do hope lady luck will shine on me.

Anyway this weekend, I am taking it easy I am in egg growing mode, so drinking loads of water, and getting loads of rest,

Have a good weekend everyone.

Wednesday 5 September 2007

First scan

Hi,

So far my injecting is going reasonable well. At my last cycle in Feb I do recall feeling resentful that DH wasn't really involved, and it was all down to me. This time DH is doing the injections (he is a dab hand at doing the Menopur) and getting involved so it means the two of us are having a bit of a laugh. (Well DH is, he is laughing at me for being a bit squeamish, he is a bit evil with the needle. I really wonder what our neighbours are thinking when they hear my screams and laughter at around 8pm).

In hindsight, I don't think we were ready to cycle a few months ago, that's why the evil cyst appeared. To much had happened in our life's and in retrospect we were just going with the flow, trying to keep our head above water. Also the time out on our various short holidays really recharged our batteries. More importantly prior to this treatment we were really able to discuss how much the IF and ttc was affecting our life. So I suppose in retrospect this cycle has allowed me to discharge some negativity feeling I had regarding DH and our situation. Regardless what happens in the next month, I really love my DH.

If I had to choose one of the following:

A) A baby with someone else

B) DH and no baby

I would 1000% choose option B.

No doubt you guys don't want to hear me rambling on, so I will move on to my clinic results.

Spent 2hr at my clinic today, ie first scan and blood test, at the moment a few small follies on one ovary and two on the other. I asked my Consultant is this good, and he said everything things appears OK, we have to see how much they grow in the coming days.

So that's it at the moment everything is growing so I will have to wait and see. On a positive note, I am still in the game. So I will go back to growing follies. Because I feel like a condemned hen, this is my last shot I am taking Solgar Whey Protein to boost eggs. Is any one else taking it?

Only one negativity post taking my Cetrotide I am having some serious hot flushes.

I hope everyone journey is going well.

Sunday 2 September 2007

Back in the game

Hi


On Friday I went to my clinic for baseline scan/go ahead to start treatment. Good news, my evil cyst had been eradicated, (whoppee after 8 weeks) so I was given go head to start the Short Protocol today. (First injection tonight not looking forward to it).


On Friday at 4.30pm my clinic informed me that I would have to source the Cetrotide because they don't stock it! So I spent my entire Saturday phoning up half the pharmacy's in London. Good news I did finally manage to locate it all for the princely sum of £255 for 7 syringes and 2hrs traveling. So much for the planned Zen like relaxation on Saturday but me worrying I couldnt source the meds. Hopefully it will be for a good cause!


I not sure how I feel about starting, on one hand I am relatively happy that I will be starting our final treatment and we will know the outcome by end of Sept. On the other hand I wish I could postpone our treatment because then I wouldn't know the truth and I could still enjoy my daydreams (IE when we have children). On a positive note "this life on hold state of limbo" will be put to bed once and for all. The only problem I have with closure is, when we started this TTC I forgot what my real life was about. Looks like after this treatment I will have to reinvent myself and get back on track with enjoying my life. (Maybe a new career looms, who knows what the future holds, so I suppose I will go with the flow).


For everyone cycling at the moment pure postive vibes I hope our dreams come true.