Which way to go route A or B?

Hi Blog world

Since my last blog I escaped to dear old Espana for some rest and relaxation away from this stressful process aka "Evil IVF " as I had already planned to be off work for the treatment. Me and DH had a super time, ate and drank a lot, all in all, we recharged our batteries. What I will say is Spain is definitely not the place to go if you wanted to get away from children. Our hotel was overrun with them, at least each family had two but I didn't let it didn't bother me. They were so cute and I thought what a prize that would be to have my own.

On my return to non sunny UK, my peaceful mood didn't last to long as my boss decided to off load all his work on to me (work he couldn't be bothered to action whilst I was away). In hindsight I wish I had applied for another internal post but I naively thought I would get lucky with my treatment! (What you wish for you don't get)

I pill popped for 21 days (started late and managed to miss two it a shame what old age will do for you). My AF came 3 days after stopping the BCP and almost ruined my weekend because I had planned to be at a wedding. I am not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts but my clinic wanted me to redo some tests on cd3 and cd4 which by my calculations was on the day I had planned to be at a Wedding! Due to this test I already decided I wasn't going to the wedding because there was no way I could travel there and back in 24 hrs so I decided I was going to spend the day in the garden reading.

Saturday (4th August) I arrived at clinic at 9.30am was seen by DR X and told I still have the evil CYST but it is smaller!, I could believe it I had popped those BCP for the last 21 days twice a day I will add and the CYST didn't go. DR X did an antral follie count and lo and behold I had 3 follies on each side same as last time, (a total of six, noty brill but ok for my age). Then they said because I still had the Cyst they were not going to do the OST test but an AMH and FSH blood test so I didn't have to be there on Sunday! That meant I could go to the wedding whippee.(Which I will add was fab).

I was told the blood results would be in 5 days because they have to send the AMH to Germany. (I just hope I am not paying for the plane)

From consulting Doctor Google

"Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) is a new blood test developed following clinical research which measures ovarian function – how your ovaries are working. It is more accurate than a simple oestrogen test"

At my age I would be scraping the bottom of barrel so would not have loads of eggs so in my opinion there was no need for this blood test as I know my numbers will be low.

After my blood test, I was told make an appointment for last Friday to get my results. When I called the clinic the reception said the Consultant who I needed to see doesn't work on Friday so will phone me on Thursday night with my results and the next steps. Thursday arrived and no phone call, I was utterly annoyed. Anyway I now have an appointment on Wednesday so hopefully I will know what the next steps are.

At the moment, I feel like a hamster, running around and going nowhere fast, that's me. What really annoys me is my clinics last minute decisions and new rules. Also what really is killing me is that I do not feel in control I have no idea what is going happen no dates I can agonise about.

Being the control freak I am I am worrying my clinic may tell me:

A) Paranoid me,
We cannot treat you, your AMH is low and FSH is high.

B) Positive me ,
However but consequently the results of your AMH, FSH and follie indiacte there is a small glimmer of hope, so come back on your next AF for a monitoring cycle and you can have a final attempt.

I am not sure which way the wind will blow, A or B, but either way I will get closure on this trying for a child malarkey and hopefully will be able to reclaim my life. For the last 5 yrs plus my life has been on hold, I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to have my maternity leave ie 6 months full pay. I could of left and started at a new company and accrued maternity leave.

What I have now realised is
"Tomorrow is not promised to us but today is all mine".

I think everything in our life happens for a reason but as yet I haven't found out why the reason why my Txt was cancelled. Also, I need to reclaim my life from IVF and open up to people around me and stop the pretending that everything is OK. I really can't cry anymore I have no more tears left or drown my sorrows in a glass of wine, ( I am sick of wine). These things don't numb the pain, it merely coats it for a while. So from now onwards I am going to be more open which should destress me. Also, I need to get a life, maybe a new hobby which should give me a new focus. Enough from me.

To everyone out there positive vibes for you all and I hope all your dreams come through.


"Success in life is not dependant on being dealt a good hand but in playing a bad hand well"

Week 1 of cyst eradication program

Hi Cyberspace,

Since I last posted nothing much exciting as happened in my life. I went away for a few days to the Lake District for some peace and tranquility without DH because I wanted to get my head together. I love the lakes so I suppose it was the most neutral place I know. It was a relaxing, rainy break and in a way I recharged my batteries. http://www.visitcumbria.com/amb/winderm.htm.
If you have never been you should go and buy loads of Kendal mint cake.

I am not sure if my head is together yet, because I forgot to start the pill on the correct day. I am not sure how this happened but it did. Maybe it was the shock of my cycle being cancelled plunged me into selective hearing mode. Another lapse, in the last week I have managed to missed two pills (one day) I am not sure how but I sure did manage to. I haven't told my clinic yet but will call them of day 21 (actually day 19) to ask and what should I do.

I am still sad that I wasn't able to start my treatment because I was go geared up and had everything planned down to a T. I suppose for what ever reason I wasn't suppose to start. With this cyst delayment, my big concern is each month I delay my treatment my eggs are dwindling into the ether. In view of all this pavalar I am in garden fence mode at the moment. I am not sure if I will blow the money on a car (second hand ) or try again. (I suppose this is my defence mechanism kicking in just in cause I fail my clinics test) but then on the way home, I saw a picture of Jo Brand (Uk comedian) and realised she had her kids late, first one at 43, so there is hope for me. I hope and I saw a small glimmer of hope.

A cyber mate of mine is cycling at the moment and I am so pleased for her, if I didn't have this cyst we would of been cycle buddies, with EC one day a part. Anyway I am supporting her and really hope this is a positive cycle for her and everyone else going through the IVF trauma.

For everyone out there I hope your dreams come true.

Journey delayed

Have a guess what has happened?

I went for scan on Friday for the go ahead to start stimming and was told I have a cyst so have to take the pill for 3 weeks. So at the the moment, my journey as halted. It appears those strange ovaries pain I experienced two weeks ago was due to cyst - but how was I suppose to know?

I am so annoyed and disappointed, I had every thing planned (*@?). In addition to this, there appeared to be a huge miscommunication about my treatment,plan which has to be reviewed, before I start again. Also my clinic wants be to have more tests before I get the go ahead to start again. (If my treatment plan changes I may have to change my medication and throw away my Menopur).

How difficult can things be! How many more obstacles can be thrown our way! Why isnt my life normal and simple!

At the moment, I am two minds about this treatment and I am not sure if I have enough gumption to continue this journey, Also because of my advanced maternal age, the new consultant is suggesting we do PGS, (approx an additional 2K plus tests ie £700).

To reduce my stress level, I am going to be an Ostrich and bury my head in the sand and at the moment focus on popping those pills to get rid of the cyst.

Looks like I may have to delay my blogging until August/September but you know what, I am not going to plan anything I am going to go with the flow. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not but in the coming weeks all will be revealed. During the cyst destruction process, I may post from time to time about my non eventful life.

Next stop at Aunty Flo's house

Hi blog,

I know you are rolling your eyes and saying not another blog I suppose this excessive blogging is down to my nerves BUT darling Aunty Flo arrived today at 3.30pm therefore today is day 0. (my clinic said if it arrives after 3pm count it as the previous day).

I called my clinic and they have booked me in for tomorrow morning for my baseline scan and hopefully should provide the go ahead to start stimming.

My slight concern at the moment is, my clinic and Acupuncture appointment are 1 hr apart, I hope the clinic is not running late, so I can make my Acupuncture appointment or I lose 50 pounds. It is not about the money but I am addicted to Acupu at the moment, it really makes me feel less stressed.

Good night cyber space. no doubt will share my injecting journey with you

No longer Grey now Green

After my miserable vent a spleen post I am feeling much better now, so thanks to any one who read my post and felt sorry for me.

I have decided that at the moment my glass is half full not half empty therefore I will fight the good fight. I have decided not to wallow in self pity because at the moment regardless of how low my odds are I am in with a fighting chance.

In Hindsight, things could easily have gone the other way, IE at my last follow up cycle, my clinic could easily have said

"Dear Mr and Mrs X, how lovely to see you both. We have reviewed your last treatment which was not successful and noted the following.......however but consequently in view of the ..... we would not recommend you try again due to the low success rate."

But they didn't, my Consultant said

"In view of your age, and last cycle results, I recommend if you wish you could give the treatment a final chance, if this cycle isnt sucessful then I recommend you do no more"

so we shall go ahead with vigour and a PMA. Going forward I promise no more stressful posts, I will try to be upbeat and positive.

P.S I forgot this blog was suppose to be about my IVF journey, but I appeared to have got carried away with a ME post.

Update
Today is day 3 since last BCP, so I expect my AF to appear tomorrow, if it does then hopefully I can get a baseline scan on Friday and start injecting asap.

Side effects
I am having the worse hot flushes in my entire life, and they are visible to the world. Going into work has become slightly embarrassing because my face perspires for the entire journey and the fellow commuters are all scared I have the lurgergys or something equally nasty.

Anyway, I must dash for my final sniff. Good night cyber space.

Feeling Grey today

Hi Blog,

If any one is feeling happy today, please do not read this post because it going to depress you.

I am feeling grey today and my heart feels so heavy. I think it may be due to my Sniffing which has affected my mood so much and made me really tearful. Also, I think it may be related to three events of today and also the reality of my upcoming IVF cycle.

1) Today, I left the office and went out for lunch and saw a colleague who I had worked with about 4 years ago. He had left the company and I hadn't seem him since 2003. He looked really well and asked me how I was. We talked about work and what he has been up to since I last saw him . He told me that they had a child who was almost 2yr and he was enjoying fatherhood and having his son made him realise that life wasn't about going to work but about having a family. I listen intently and smiled but deep down I knew I was hurting my whole life had been dedicated to my career.

Then he enquired and asked if I had any children in the last three years, and I said no, it just didn't happen. He then told me about his sister who had just had IVF (3rd attempt) was pregnant with twins, and said it is possible all odds are not lost. I didn't have the heart to say we tried and failed and are hopefully going again in 3 weeks but I didn't could tell him the truth. then he would think I was a no hoper. I thought in his way, he was just trying to tell me that I still had a chance. After that I quickly moved the conversation onto holidays and after another 5 minutes said I had to dash and it was nice seeing him.

After that I went to get my lunch from Pret and at that time I felt the dark cloud hovering over my head. I went went back to work quite tearful and shed a few tears on the back stairs. I went back to my desk and pretended I was coming down with a cold.

2) Anyway on the way home, I saw a lady at the station who lives locally and to my surprise she was pregnant. (I haven't seen her for about a month) She is the same age as me, I smiled and said hello and walked down the platform away from here. I really couldn't sit with her and discuss her good news. I felt terrible because we normally have a chat but I couldn't today I felt so bad I couldn't say congratulation and share her good news with her. Anyway when I got off the tube, I tried to dash up the stairs and there she was with her bump, so I admitted defeat and walked up the stairs with her and chatted. (once again the black cloud was getting bigger).

3) Just read in the Evening Standard that Sophie is having another baby at age 42. I am pleased for them but felt reading the article why couldn't that be me. (The black cloud has engulfed me)

4) Finally I got home and here I am feeling like crap. My DH doesn't want to discuss it, his approach is we will go for it and if it works it works if it doesn't so be it. I suppose the reality of our situation has probably hit home and the odds of success or low. we were given I think 15% chance, which mean we have 85% chance of coming away with nothing. I wouldn't gamble my life away on those low odds but what can I do nothing. Also I am really apprehension about my baseline scan, the entire cycle especially the end result.

I am sorry if I have depressed anyone I really wanted to be positive but today I am feeling down, down down. I need to put my positive hat on get rid of this black cloud and I have a PMA for this cycle. Anyway, I am off to the gym I need to release my of my frustration, I know it is said you shouldn't exercise but I need to do something before I implode.

Have a great evening

Sniffing day 4,

So far I have sniffed 13 times. I am sure the downregging is working because I am not sleeping for more than 5.5 hrs. Last night went to bed at 12.30am shattered and woke up at 6am!!!!!!! How the hell I am suppose to de-stress and take it easy if I am not getting enough sleep. Help, Help. Help, Help, I have become my mother who is 75 who wakes up at 5am everyday.

I DO NOT NORMALLY SURFACE BEFORE 10 ON SATURDAYS.
WEEKENDS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE MY TIME TO REST.
I DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN YET,THEREFORE THIS IS MY TIME,
OR IS THE LACK OF SLEEP TRAINING FOR MOTHERHOOD.

Only another

Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff,
Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff.

Before I can return to normal sleeping patterns.

Have a super day that is if anyone is reading this?

How to Sniff Part One ---

Well I am officially now pre menopausal as I started sniffing this morning (badly I will add). My first attempt I didn't inhale propertly (If I replayed the scene I acted like a Sniffing Virgin which I am not) but no doubt in the next days I will get the hang of it. How easy it is to sniff? I am not sure what came over me.

The worse thing is I think I am coming down with a cold (at the moment I am fluctuating between being boiling hot and freezing cold).

On my way home I was on the tube perspiring a hell of a lot and I am sure a few older ladies like myself (advanced maternal age ie 40plus) who were sitting across from me were giving me the sympathetic look ie hot flushes = menopause. I wanted to shout out, no. no this is only the trial run it is not the real thing it is self afflicted but decided to blow my nose so loudly so the entire carriage heard and assumed I had a cold. (Strange world isn't it, or maybe I am being paranoid)

After 3 sniffs, I have not had any real side effects,(only imagined, this morning my face and right eye tingled a bit, by the way did I mention I was also a hypochondriac!) On a positive note the ovaries grumbling as stopped so it looks like the sniffing may be working.

For me day 1 of sniffing is almost over, I must dash now and make a high protein meal.

Rain Rain - go away and come back another day

I cannot believe it is Summer, where is the Sun and I cannot believe how cold it is Sun, Sun where are you? Please shine so I can sit out on my deck chairs.

So far, everything with me has been OK and I am still popping the b/c pills. The only slight concern I have is, my ovaries have been grumbling and aching since last week!. I am not sure what the ramification of this is, but there is nothing I can do about it. So roll on scan in approx 11 days. At the moment , the plan is I should start Sniffing on Wed, so only 2 days to go.

At the weekend some friends came over with their children and I can say they were the most adorable boys I have ever met. Playing with them made me realise the joy of parenthood, the boys were so amusing and I suppose my catch phrase "Can I have one please" came to mind. I know there are no guarantees that if I had kids mine would be so perfect but these were perfect children. At one point in the day, I felt so happy being with the boys and for a split second I really thought they were mine. (Sad, I know but that's how I felt). It felt so strange taking them to the supermarket they wanted to go with Auntie so they could select some Ice cream. At one point in the supermarket I was scared I would lose them so I had to hold their hands really tight just in case they got lost or stolen from me! Anyway, I spoilt them rotten it was like a Supermarket sweep , anything you guys what you can have. So we came home with £30 of Ice cream, pizza's and things I didn't know the name of but I spied the packaging during my weekly shop. (I will stop being broody)

More mush, I must admit I always said if I had children I only wanted Girls, this statement is no longer true, I think I would prefer having Boys, but truth be known any child would be fine, I would be over the moon.

Yes, I know you are thinking I am a bit sad fantasying as the odds are stacked against me IE at my old maternal age I have approx 10 to 15% chance. At the moment I feel like gambling. although the odds are low, the prize will be fantastic. I suppose I am feeling positive so I suppose it is good to dream and imagine how my life could change in the next 6 weeks.

Sorry for being to mushy, it just how I am feeling at the moment. Once again, I am not really ready to start this cycle as there are so much things I wanted to do, IE lose a few pounds but my various injuries have prevented this from happened. (my excuse).

Roll on the next stage

Fasten your seat belts - ride has started

Day zero has finally arrived (Lift off we are departing) and I have started my B/C pills (so day 1 of the process, only another 6 weeks to go).

I am excited but scared at the same time, I suppose once again starting treatment seems quite final, the roller coaster has started. This time I feel more in control and less stressed apart from my hot flushes which I have put down to be overweight (I noticed on my medical notes my Go had written Obese).

For this cycle, my approach is to take one milestone at a time. So at the moment, my first milestone is downregging and no cysts roll on the next 2 weeks.

I will probably blog now and again to let of steam ie when the grumpy old women appears after I have sniffed my self to death. Last time I am sure everyone at work thought I was on drugs or something, because twice a day I would dash to the ladies and you could hear a loud sniff and blowing of nose coming from the end cubicle. Maybe this time, the solution is for me to sniff quietly. Anyway I will try.

Two days before I start

Hi,

I know I am sad and blogging in cyberspace rather than speaking to any one!. It just that we have decided to keep this treatment secret because we don't want any pressure from friends and family. So far, a few of my friends (who have children ) have suggested why don't you try IVF to speed up the process, it works, and then proceeds to tell me all about the older mothers who have been reported in the press recently IE "Women age 61 gives birth to twins". When this happen to me last might, I didn't have the courage to say we tried in Feb and I had a 8K period and we were embarking on the journey again this month.

I not sure what the future holds for us, but I know the mountain to get here has been bloody high to climb. I am aware we only have a 1 in 10 chance of success and that's after all the mini hurdles, IE down regging, stimming etc, etc. I am being practical this time, because last time I was slightly over ambition and didn't realise the odds were so low and expected with my PMA it would work. When it didn't work, my world came crashing down and I experienced the biggest coming down to earth, aka reality check. This time, I will be more cautious and not let my emotions run away, I will try to be positive but realistic at the same time. I suppose its all about going with the flow rather than dictating how life should be.

Because I am a desperate women and feel like a condemned hen, I have thrown everything at this cycle.

Supplements
After reading Radine Lewis site and book and have been taking the following supplements
( not religiously)

Spirunlia
Pcynogeol -
Vit C - tablets, 1grm every other day, (some reports say Vit C is good for Ovarian function others say no)
Wheat grass - 1 shot per day (started last week)
Royal Jelly 500mg with Propolis, pollen etc
Pregnacare

Therapy
Also I have been having weekly Acupuncture since mid April (brought my cycle to 28 days so it must be working, prior to Acupuncture my cycle varied from 23 to 28 days.

Diet
My diet has been slightly poor, I am a fish eating vegetarian and normally eats loads of greens but since my failed circle I have not had much greens in my diet. (will improve this asap)
I have been drinking milk (organic a litre a week but should be having more protein)
Have increased my water intake
Weight has increased (not good, it is due to pre IVF nerves, I have been eating chocolate)
I did buy Solgar Whey to Go (but jury still out if I should take it our not)

Stress
Trying not to stress myself and work crazy hours, (I am a workaholic, trying to stop)

Reading back through this post, it doesn't look like, I have really changed anything dramatically but the main thing is I am trying to improve my odds.

Thats me on day - 2 before lift off.

P.S Is anyone out there?????????

The IVF Planner

During the last 3 weeks, my life has been hectic, things have been a bit busy once again almost had our journey cancelled but we think at the moment we have got it back on track.

The grand plan is looking something like this (but is subject to change)

• Start taking B/C pills in only 3 days!
• A week later start downregging (bring on the menopause)
• Baseline scan (Clinic to provide key to the henhouse)
• Then into the hen house for just over a week to grow my eggs (hates needles)
• Egg collection mid July etc, etc (hates hospitals)
• Test early Aug

I suppose I should really be taking one day at a time but I thought it would been nice to see the big picture.

I did mention in my other posts that my waist line had been increasing slightly, to which I thought may actually be a kidlet in there, and I had experienced a slight nausea off and on. Well, today I thought I better quell those ideas and daydreams and went on a brought a POAS. The result of my pre ICSI POAS was BFN (not having a kidlet). For me that brought closure on that fantasy and I do have to take and inject all those fertility drugs. My fantasy gave me a warm feeling whilst it lasted but only in a parrallel universe. So beam me down Scotty ...................................................................

I am now in the land of reality again. In my next update I will mention what I am doing differently in this cycle which I hope may contribute to a BFP and a child in the next 10 months.

Today is day -3 before my second and final attempt at being a mother starts. Sugar, it does feel so final at the moment..

I really do want to join that exclusive Mothers Club any enjoy all the joys and benefits being a mother brings. Well we will see what Lady Luck has in store for me.

Can someone turn the clock back please!!!!!!!!

Only 5 days to the start of my expensive habit

We start our pills for our second ICSI in 5 days and boy o boy am I nervous!!! Doesn't time fly when you are having fun. I have just remembered in March I made a promise (to myself, those are the best promises) that I was going to lower my BMI before my next round of ICSI. The plan at the time was to go to the gym but I didn't get round to it, sheer bone idle and laziness.

What makes things worse is my bathroom scale stopped working so I wasn't able to monitor my lack of progress. However, I did notice the early warning sign when my clothes started getting tight but I blamed that on the dry cleaners.

The real reason was time was ahead of me and I forgot my plan.

life is so easy if you plan it well!!!

I won't bore you with my history but as they say "History is in the past", anyway tried for ages but couldn't get pregnant. Initially thought it was related to a fibroid but found out we had also had male factor.

I know my life has not been easy, there is always a straight and easy route and then there is always my route via the long way!!!!!!!!

Anyway so as you have quessed I am another one trying to produce a family with the help of a few doctors and a few thousands pounds.

Why isnt life simple, during the time we have been trying a few of my friends and decided they didnt want a baby and gone down the disregard route. Heh, I hope I havent offended anyone??

Background

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all well and rested and about to enjoy the rollecaster and probably boring account from me regarding how much I (we plus DH) want a child.

No doubt you are rolling your eyes and saying "oh no not another one trying to get pregnant", sorry to dissapoint you but you are correct.

A bit about me, old well 42 and trying to have kidlet, my first ICSI failed im March 07. However have decided to give the treatment another final chance.