Which window shall I take?

I know I haven't posted for ages, the real reason is I felt a BIG Failure and wasn't sure what the hell to say. I suppose in a way I had " Infertility cramp",very similar to writers block.. Anyway I will recap what has happened to me, well really the options because nothing has happened. ...

Well I have been surfing and hoping the various BB and Doctor Google would be able to find answers, ie what should I do....

Went to our follow up appointment, left my 50,000 questions on the computer at home.. So I was a little un prepared... Met Super Consultant only £180 per 30 mins, he asked what do you want to do, I croaked in a small voice have another go. I got the donor egg speech. ""Old egg's 99% crap and testicular sperm you would be lucky ""

"Blah, blah, blah, we did in the past (not sure what year it was) have a pregnancy at your age but that was with ejaculated sperm not testicular sperm"

"If you wanted to try again you could but now I will give you a a low chance", I piped up but wouldn't my odds improved because I produced 8 eggs. "0h no Old eggs 99% chromosal defective" was the answer....Ohh way!!

Super Consultant asked "would we consider donor sperm", I shuddered at the thought, I said no because the child wouldn't look like my DH

Super Consultant asked "Would you consider donor embryo - that solves all genetic issues no genetically not like either of you! Once again I said No

Then he brought the Embroylist in who then gave us a 15 mins lecture on DE. All in all £180 well spent. ... I wish , I could of gone to my favourite late nite shopping centre Brent X and brought some shoes with the money. At the appointment, I felt like a bumbling idiot I was so unprepared I think it was because I didn't have my comfort blanket ie 50,000 questions, ie DHEA, Steroids, more blood test,

Super Consultant, scribbled a name of a clinic they use for DE in the USA and suggested I contact them, they have a high success rate of over 60% but with testicular sperm wIll be less.

At the end of our appointment Super Consultant shook our hands and said think about the options and do let him know what we are planning to do.

DH left the follow up appointment quite positive and asked if I was going to go for it ie DE to which I said "No I didn't think so I needed to think about it".... All in all, from my point of view a crap review, I am a bit peeved of with DH because if we had started sooner we wouldn't be in this predicament.. .

Anyway have decided to go to counselling as I believe DH procrastination has put us in this situation so I am not feeling happy with him at the moment..

By the way I checked out the website Super Consultant recommended and it would cost us approx

US website $25K for dedicated donor
$15.5K for shared donor Additional $1k meds$2K ICSI$2K Embryo freezing $240 annual embryo storage45K Embryo defrost FET
Plus my clinic costs...I will probably buy myself a nice car...

We (well I ) opened a bottle of Champers.. to celebrate our life savings going down the pan.. So far we have spent 16K on our two cycles plus 2K of Acupuncture (desperate female) .. we wont have any money left if a child appears...

No sure what to do, at the moment not sure which way the wind will blow....

The options for us are:

1) Donor Sperm - wouldn't look like DH, and one of many the reason why I married him was for his unique looks.

2) Donor Eggs - the child would looknt like me.. USA blooming expensive no guarantee it would work first tine.

3) Try again at our clinic - percentage chance given so low maybe a waste of approx 6K. (ICSI)

4) Try again at another clinic- percentage chance given so low maybe a waste of 6K.

5) Adoption -- Scared we wont make first hurdle

So many options we are not sure which way to turn. Maybe I should throw a dice to decide,,,Anyway hopefully by 2008 we will be sorted......

At the moment, I am feel like I am procrastinating, also I am being a bit unrealistic about my chances of success because at my age time is not on my side so maybe DE is the answer but at the moment I am not ready for this I do quest for a child who will be like me in someway. I need to try again and be told my eggs are genetically flawed, ie PGS before I get closure and move on.

So for everyone out there peace and I do hope all your dreams come true ...