Hi Cyberspace,
Since I last posted nothing much exciting as happened in my life. I went away for a few days to the Lake District for some peace and tranquility without DH because I wanted to get my head together. I love the lakes so I suppose it was the most neutral place I know. It was a relaxing, rainy break and in a way I recharged my batteries. http://www.visitcumbria.com/amb/winderm.htm.
If you have never been you should go and buy loads of Kendal mint cake.
I am not sure if my head is together yet, because I forgot to start the pill on the correct day. I am not sure how this happened but it did. Maybe it was the shock of my cycle being cancelled plunged me into selective hearing mode. Another lapse, in the last week I have managed to missed two pills (one day) I am not sure how but I sure did manage to. I haven't told my clinic yet but will call them of day 21 (actually day 19) to ask and what should I do.
I am still sad that I wasn't able to start my treatment because I was go geared up and had everything planned down to a T. I suppose for what ever reason I wasn't suppose to start. With this cyst delayment, my big concern is each month I delay my treatment my eggs are dwindling into the ether. In view of all this pavalar I am in garden fence mode at the moment. I am not sure if I will blow the money on a car (second hand ) or try again. (I suppose this is my defence mechanism kicking in just in cause I fail my clinics test) but then on the way home, I saw a picture of Jo Brand (Uk comedian) and realised she had her kids late, first one at 43, so there is hope for me. I hope and I saw a small glimmer of hope.
A cyber mate of mine is cycling at the moment and I am so pleased for her, if I didn't have this cyst we would of been cycle buddies, with EC one day a part. Anyway I am supporting her and really hope this is a positive cycle for her and everyone else going through the IVF trauma.
For everyone out there I hope your dreams come true.
Tuesday 17 July 2007
Saturday 7 July 2007
Journey delayed
Have a guess what has happened?
I went for scan on Friday for the go ahead to start stimming and was told I have a cyst so have to take the pill for 3 weeks. So at the the moment, my journey as halted. It appears those strange ovaries pain I experienced two weeks ago was due to cyst - but how was I suppose to know?
I am so annoyed and disappointed, I had every thing planned (*@?). In addition to this, there appeared to be a huge miscommunication about my treatment,plan which has to be reviewed, before I start again. Also my clinic wants be to have more tests before I get the go ahead to start again. (If my treatment plan changes I may have to change my medication and throw away my Menopur).
How difficult can things be! How many more obstacles can be thrown our way! Why isnt my life normal and simple!
At the moment, I am two minds about this treatment and I am not sure if I have enough gumption to continue this journey, Also because of my advanced maternal age, the new consultant is suggesting we do PGS, (approx an additional 2K plus tests ie £700).
To reduce my stress level, I am going to be an Ostrich and bury my head in the sand and at the moment focus on popping those pills to get rid of the cyst.
Looks like I may have to delay my blogging until August/September but you know what, I am not going to plan anything I am going to go with the flow. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not but in the coming weeks all will be revealed. During the cyst destruction process, I may post from time to time about my non eventful life.
I went for scan on Friday for the go ahead to start stimming and was told I have a cyst so have to take the pill for 3 weeks. So at the the moment, my journey as halted. It appears those strange ovaries pain I experienced two weeks ago was due to cyst - but how was I suppose to know?
I am so annoyed and disappointed, I had every thing planned (*@?). In addition to this, there appeared to be a huge miscommunication about my treatment,plan which has to be reviewed, before I start again. Also my clinic wants be to have more tests before I get the go ahead to start again. (If my treatment plan changes I may have to change my medication and throw away my Menopur).
How difficult can things be! How many more obstacles can be thrown our way! Why isnt my life normal and simple!
At the moment, I am two minds about this treatment and I am not sure if I have enough gumption to continue this journey, Also because of my advanced maternal age, the new consultant is suggesting we do PGS, (approx an additional 2K plus tests ie £700).
To reduce my stress level, I am going to be an Ostrich and bury my head in the sand and at the moment focus on popping those pills to get rid of the cyst.
Looks like I may have to delay my blogging until August/September but you know what, I am not going to plan anything I am going to go with the flow. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not but in the coming weeks all will be revealed. During the cyst destruction process, I may post from time to time about my non eventful life.
Thursday 5 July 2007
Next stop at Aunty Flo's house
Hi blog,
I know you are rolling your eyes and saying not another blog I suppose this excessive blogging is down to my nerves BUT darling Aunty Flo arrived today at 3.30pm therefore today is day 0. (my clinic said if it arrives after 3pm count it as the previous day).
I called my clinic and they have booked me in for tomorrow morning for my baseline scan and hopefully should provide the go ahead to start stimming.
My slight concern at the moment is, my clinic and Acupuncture appointment are 1 hr apart, I hope the clinic is not running late, so I can make my Acupuncture appointment or I lose 50 pounds. It is not about the money but I am addicted to Acupu at the moment, it really makes me feel less stressed.
Good night cyber space. no doubt will share my injecting journey with you
I know you are rolling your eyes and saying not another blog I suppose this excessive blogging is down to my nerves BUT darling Aunty Flo arrived today at 3.30pm therefore today is day 0. (my clinic said if it arrives after 3pm count it as the previous day).
I called my clinic and they have booked me in for tomorrow morning for my baseline scan and hopefully should provide the go ahead to start stimming.
My slight concern at the moment is, my clinic and Acupuncture appointment are 1 hr apart, I hope the clinic is not running late, so I can make my Acupuncture appointment or I lose 50 pounds. It is not about the money but I am addicted to Acupu at the moment, it really makes me feel less stressed.
Good night cyber space. no doubt will share my injecting journey with you
Wednesday 4 July 2007
No longer Grey now Green
After my miserable vent a spleen post I am feeling much better now, so thanks to any one who read my post and felt sorry for me.
I have decided that at the moment my glass is half full not half empty therefore I will fight the good fight. I have decided not to wallow in self pity because at the moment regardless of how low my odds are I am in with a fighting chance.
In Hindsight, things could easily have gone the other way, IE at my last follow up cycle, my clinic could easily have said
"Dear Mr and Mrs X, how lovely to see you both. We have reviewed your last treatment which was not successful and noted the following.......however but consequently in view of the ..... we would not recommend you try again due to the low success rate."
But they didn't, my Consultant said
"In view of your age, and last cycle results, I recommend if you wish you could give the treatment a final chance, if this cycle isnt sucessful then I recommend you do no more"
so we shall go ahead with vigour and a PMA. Going forward I promise no more stressful posts, I will try to be upbeat and positive.
P.S I forgot this blog was suppose to be about my IVF journey, but I appeared to have got carried away with a ME post.
Update
Today is day 3 since last BCP, so I expect my AF to appear tomorrow, if it does then hopefully I can get a baseline scan on Friday and start injecting asap.
Side effects
I am having the worse hot flushes in my entire life, and they are visible to the world. Going into work has become slightly embarrassing because my face perspires for the entire journey and the fellow commuters are all scared I have the lurgergys or something equally nasty.
Anyway, I must dash for my final sniff. Good night cyber space.
I have decided that at the moment my glass is half full not half empty therefore I will fight the good fight. I have decided not to wallow in self pity because at the moment regardless of how low my odds are I am in with a fighting chance.
In Hindsight, things could easily have gone the other way, IE at my last follow up cycle, my clinic could easily have said
"Dear Mr and Mrs X, how lovely to see you both. We have reviewed your last treatment which was not successful and noted the following.......however but consequently in view of the ..... we would not recommend you try again due to the low success rate."
But they didn't, my Consultant said
"In view of your age, and last cycle results, I recommend if you wish you could give the treatment a final chance, if this cycle isnt sucessful then I recommend you do no more"
so we shall go ahead with vigour and a PMA. Going forward I promise no more stressful posts, I will try to be upbeat and positive.
P.S I forgot this blog was suppose to be about my IVF journey, but I appeared to have got carried away with a ME post.
Update
Today is day 3 since last BCP, so I expect my AF to appear tomorrow, if it does then hopefully I can get a baseline scan on Friday and start injecting asap.
Side effects
I am having the worse hot flushes in my entire life, and they are visible to the world. Going into work has become slightly embarrassing because my face perspires for the entire journey and the fellow commuters are all scared I have the lurgergys or something equally nasty.
Anyway, I must dash for my final sniff. Good night cyber space.
Monday 2 July 2007
Feeling Grey today
Hi Blog,
If any one is feeling happy today, please do not read this post because it going to depress you.
I am feeling grey today and my heart feels so heavy. I think it may be due to my Sniffing which has affected my mood so much and made me really tearful. Also, I think it may be related to three events of today and also the reality of my upcoming IVF cycle.
1) Today, I left the office and went out for lunch and saw a colleague who I had worked with about 4 years ago. He had left the company and I hadn't seem him since 2003. He looked really well and asked me how I was. We talked about work and what he has been up to since I last saw him . He told me that they had a child who was almost 2yr and he was enjoying fatherhood and having his son made him realise that life wasn't about going to work but about having a family. I listen intently and smiled but deep down I knew I was hurting my whole life had been dedicated to my career.
Then he enquired and asked if I had any children in the last three years, and I said no, it just didn't happen. He then told me about his sister who had just had IVF (3rd attempt) was pregnant with twins, and said it is possible all odds are not lost. I didn't have the heart to say we tried and failed and are hopefully going again in 3 weeks but I didn't could tell him the truth. then he would think I was a no hoper. I thought in his way, he was just trying to tell me that I still had a chance. After that I quickly moved the conversation onto holidays and after another 5 minutes said I had to dash and it was nice seeing him.
After that I went to get my lunch from Pret and at that time I felt the dark cloud hovering over my head. I went went back to work quite tearful and shed a few tears on the back stairs. I went back to my desk and pretended I was coming down with a cold.
2) Anyway on the way home, I saw a lady at the station who lives locally and to my surprise she was pregnant. (I haven't seen her for about a month) She is the same age as me, I smiled and said hello and walked down the platform away from here. I really couldn't sit with her and discuss her good news. I felt terrible because we normally have a chat but I couldn't today I felt so bad I couldn't say congratulation and share her good news with her. Anyway when I got off the tube, I tried to dash up the stairs and there she was with her bump, so I admitted defeat and walked up the stairs with her and chatted. (once again the black cloud was getting bigger).
3) Just read in the Evening Standard that Sophie is having another baby at age 42. I am pleased for them but felt reading the article why couldn't that be me. (The black cloud has engulfed me)
4) Finally I got home and here I am feeling like crap. My DH doesn't want to discuss it, his approach is we will go for it and if it works it works if it doesn't so be it. I suppose the reality of our situation has probably hit home and the odds of success or low. we were given I think 15% chance, which mean we have 85% chance of coming away with nothing. I wouldn't gamble my life away on those low odds but what can I do nothing. Also I am really apprehension about my baseline scan, the entire cycle especially the end result.
I am sorry if I have depressed anyone I really wanted to be positive but today I am feeling down, down down. I need to put my positive hat on get rid of this black cloud and I have a PMA for this cycle. Anyway, I am off to the gym I need to release my of my frustration, I know it is said you shouldn't exercise but I need to do something before I implode.
Have a great evening
If any one is feeling happy today, please do not read this post because it going to depress you.
I am feeling grey today and my heart feels so heavy. I think it may be due to my Sniffing which has affected my mood so much and made me really tearful. Also, I think it may be related to three events of today and also the reality of my upcoming IVF cycle.
1) Today, I left the office and went out for lunch and saw a colleague who I had worked with about 4 years ago. He had left the company and I hadn't seem him since 2003. He looked really well and asked me how I was. We talked about work and what he has been up to since I last saw him . He told me that they had a child who was almost 2yr and he was enjoying fatherhood and having his son made him realise that life wasn't about going to work but about having a family. I listen intently and smiled but deep down I knew I was hurting my whole life had been dedicated to my career.
Then he enquired and asked if I had any children in the last three years, and I said no, it just didn't happen. He then told me about his sister who had just had IVF (3rd attempt) was pregnant with twins, and said it is possible all odds are not lost. I didn't have the heart to say we tried and failed and are hopefully going again in 3 weeks but I didn't could tell him the truth. then he would think I was a no hoper. I thought in his way, he was just trying to tell me that I still had a chance. After that I quickly moved the conversation onto holidays and after another 5 minutes said I had to dash and it was nice seeing him.
After that I went to get my lunch from Pret and at that time I felt the dark cloud hovering over my head. I went went back to work quite tearful and shed a few tears on the back stairs. I went back to my desk and pretended I was coming down with a cold.
2) Anyway on the way home, I saw a lady at the station who lives locally and to my surprise she was pregnant. (I haven't seen her for about a month) She is the same age as me, I smiled and said hello and walked down the platform away from here. I really couldn't sit with her and discuss her good news. I felt terrible because we normally have a chat but I couldn't today I felt so bad I couldn't say congratulation and share her good news with her. Anyway when I got off the tube, I tried to dash up the stairs and there she was with her bump, so I admitted defeat and walked up the stairs with her and chatted. (once again the black cloud was getting bigger).
3) Just read in the Evening Standard that Sophie is having another baby at age 42. I am pleased for them but felt reading the article why couldn't that be me. (The black cloud has engulfed me)
4) Finally I got home and here I am feeling like crap. My DH doesn't want to discuss it, his approach is we will go for it and if it works it works if it doesn't so be it. I suppose the reality of our situation has probably hit home and the odds of success or low. we were given I think 15% chance, which mean we have 85% chance of coming away with nothing. I wouldn't gamble my life away on those low odds but what can I do nothing. Also I am really apprehension about my baseline scan, the entire cycle especially the end result.
I am sorry if I have depressed anyone I really wanted to be positive but today I am feeling down, down down. I need to put my positive hat on get rid of this black cloud and I have a PMA for this cycle. Anyway, I am off to the gym I need to release my of my frustration, I know it is said you shouldn't exercise but I need to do something before I implode.
Have a great evening
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