At the moment I am in two minds to cancel my impeding cycle. From my last appointment, my results were FSH 5.5 and AMH 6.8 (My DH had taken notes during the meeting). On reading these figures I thought my results were OK for a 42 year old and didn't warrant a 1 to 2% chance but after searching various fertility BB'S I am of the opinion the odds are really stacked against us.
My DH really wants us to try again and isn't really into Donor eggs. One moment I am relative OK thinking if this cycle doesn't work then plan B Donor eggs but then I am not sure. More importantly I need to do this cycle for closure. I want to reclaim from life back from IVF. My entire life has been put on hold for the last 4+ years and I want the old me back. Happy, warm hearted, crazy, fun and loving.
I wish I could turn the clocks back, if only I was 10 years older. I know there would of been no guarantees but at least my odds would have been better.
I suppose in writing this down I have convinced myself that I need to do this and in a way I am sort of prepared to do the cycle. (I have already have the majority of my medication). So in it looks like I will have accept my fate, for my peace of mind and to ensure I have no regrets in the future I think I will stay on the rollercoaster and just go with the flow.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Monday, 20 August 2007
Pill Popping
Hi blogworld,
I am still pill popping only another 7 days to go. (once again the IVf planner). This may sound strange but I am going to miss the sniffing, I actually liked sniffing ie Superfact downregging! I know it made me feel dry and irritable but I do recall at one point it made my stomach flat and I didn't need an alarm to wake me up. Anyway I have just found out that the Cetrotide is not tablets but has to be injected. I am not looking forward to that, seeing has I am scared of needles. Anyway that is in future (I will take one day at time).
I jumped on the scale this morning as DH brought a new one, my nephew broke our last one and was shocked to find out I have put on a whole load of weight since this process started. So I am walking more I am not sure but it may help and cut out all snacks. At this rate I will be a little elephant.
By the way did anyone take protein ie Solgar Whey to go? I brought some for my last cycle but forgot to take any. It just that being a vegetarian, I think my protein level may be low.
I hope every one is well and all our dreams come true.
Take care every one
I am still pill popping only another 7 days to go. (once again the IVf planner). This may sound strange but I am going to miss the sniffing, I actually liked sniffing ie Superfact downregging! I know it made me feel dry and irritable but I do recall at one point it made my stomach flat and I didn't need an alarm to wake me up. Anyway I have just found out that the Cetrotide is not tablets but has to be injected. I am not looking forward to that, seeing has I am scared of needles. Anyway that is in future (I will take one day at time).
I jumped on the scale this morning as DH brought a new one, my nephew broke our last one and was shocked to find out I have put on a whole load of weight since this process started. So I am walking more I am not sure but it may help and cut out all snacks. At this rate I will be a little elephant.
By the way did anyone take protein ie Solgar Whey to go? I brought some for my last cycle but forgot to take any. It just that being a vegetarian, I think my protein level may be low.
I hope every one is well and all our dreams come true.
Take care every one
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
You can take the small window - Route C
Just got in from a lovely meal with some friends, I forgot I had arranged it months ago and couldn't cancel in view of today. Anyway the meal was super and my crazy friends were on top form and being with them made me forgot my worries.
Anyway, I had my follow up this morning. The Consultant said taking everything into consideration IE low AMH, Antral follie, FSH, BMI, E2 and age,we were given the grand old stats of 2% (live birth) max success for this cycle!!!!!!!!!! So in his opinion it is up to us to decide if we want a final attempt. All in all his confidence was low based on oldies results at his clinic. !!!!!!!. He apologises for being straight talking and said he wanted to truthful and not gloss things over. (This came as a bit of a shock our chances had now reduced from 10% to 2%).
Anyway I discussed this with DH and I know we are mad we now have a 98 % chance of it not working but decided to give it final shot to get closure. I know if we don't try we will always wonder what if. This time I suppose I will have to be realistic about it working and remember every step of the way that we are doing this for closure. (blooming expensive closure, I could think of many ways to spend our hard earned money).We are probably mad but I need to do this so I can get it out of my system. If this didn't work then I am treating myself to a new yellow MX5.
At our last cycle in Feb we did manage to get 12 follies and 7 eggs, but our Consultant said he believes this time we will probably get much less. If we were to get 4 eggs he would be over the moon. In view of my new results I am being moved from sub optimal response to poor responder. So this time I will be on a short protocol no down regging, I am not really happy about changing my protocol but I am not an expert, so but what can I say. Anyway started pill popping again to reduce cyst so on roller coaster again.
So this time, no big plans with rose tinted glasses I will take one day at a time and try to have a PMA.
P.S I had thought of changing clinics but my clinic is in the top 5 in London and I feel comfortable and relaxed there. If I went to another clinic nothing would change my ovaries wouldn't get younger. I will still be a 42 trying to get knocked up.
Take care guys and thanks for all the support you have given me. I will keep you posted with events. Postive vibes to all.
Anyway, I had my follow up this morning. The Consultant said taking everything into consideration IE low AMH, Antral follie, FSH, BMI, E2 and age,we were given the grand old stats of 2% (live birth) max success for this cycle!!!!!!!!!! So in his opinion it is up to us to decide if we want a final attempt. All in all his confidence was low based on oldies results at his clinic. !!!!!!!. He apologises for being straight talking and said he wanted to truthful and not gloss things over. (This came as a bit of a shock our chances had now reduced from 10% to 2%).
Anyway I discussed this with DH and I know we are mad we now have a 98 % chance of it not working but decided to give it final shot to get closure. I know if we don't try we will always wonder what if. This time I suppose I will have to be realistic about it working and remember every step of the way that we are doing this for closure. (blooming expensive closure, I could think of many ways to spend our hard earned money).We are probably mad but I need to do this so I can get it out of my system. If this didn't work then I am treating myself to a new yellow MX5.
At our last cycle in Feb we did manage to get 12 follies and 7 eggs, but our Consultant said he believes this time we will probably get much less. If we were to get 4 eggs he would be over the moon. In view of my new results I am being moved from sub optimal response to poor responder. So this time I will be on a short protocol no down regging, I am not really happy about changing my protocol but I am not an expert, so but what can I say. Anyway started pill popping again to reduce cyst so on roller coaster again.
So this time, no big plans with rose tinted glasses I will take one day at a time and try to have a PMA.
P.S I had thought of changing clinics but my clinic is in the top 5 in London and I feel comfortable and relaxed there. If I went to another clinic nothing would change my ovaries wouldn't get younger. I will still be a 42 trying to get knocked up.
Take care guys and thanks for all the support you have given me. I will keep you posted with events. Postive vibes to all.
Monday, 13 August 2007
Which way to go route A or B?
Hi Blog world
Since my last blog I escaped to dear old Espana for some rest and relaxation away from this stressful process aka "Evil IVF " as I had already planned to be off work for the treatment. Me and DH had a super time, ate and drank a lot, all in all, we recharged our batteries. What I will say is Spain is definitely not the place to go if you wanted to get away from children. Our hotel was overrun with them, at least each family had two but I didn't let it didn't bother me. They were so cute and I thought what a prize that would be to have my own.
On my return to non sunny UK, my peaceful mood didn't last to long as my boss decided to off load all his work on to me (work he couldn't be bothered to action whilst I was away). In hindsight I wish I had applied for another internal post but I naively thought I would get lucky with my treatment! (What you wish for you don't get)
I pill popped for 21 days (started late and managed to miss two it a shame what old age will do for you). My AF came 3 days after stopping the BCP and almost ruined my weekend because I had planned to be at a wedding. I am not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts but my clinic wanted me to redo some tests on cd3 and cd4 which by my calculations was on the day I had planned to be at a Wedding! Due to this test I already decided I wasn't going to the wedding because there was no way I could travel there and back in 24 hrs so I decided I was going to spend the day in the garden reading.
Saturday (4th August) I arrived at clinic at 9.30am was seen by DR X and told I still have the evil CYST but it is smaller!, I could believe it I had popped those BCP for the last 21 days twice a day I will add and the CYST didn't go. DR X did an antral follie count and lo and behold I had 3 follies on each side same as last time, (a total of six, noty brill but ok for my age). Then they said because I still had the Cyst they were not going to do the OST test but an AMH and FSH blood test so I didn't have to be there on Sunday! That meant I could go to the wedding whippee.(Which I will add was fab).
I was told the blood results would be in 5 days because they have to send the AMH to Germany. (I just hope I am not paying for the plane)
From consulting Doctor Google
"Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) is a new blood test developed following clinical research which measures ovarian function – how your ovaries are working. It is more accurate than a simple oestrogen test"
At my age I would be scraping the bottom of barrel so would not have loads of eggs so in my opinion there was no need for this blood test as I know my numbers will be low.
After my blood test, I was told make an appointment for last Friday to get my results. When I called the clinic the reception said the Consultant who I needed to see doesn't work on Friday so will phone me on Thursday night with my results and the next steps. Thursday arrived and no phone call, I was utterly annoyed. Anyway I now have an appointment on Wednesday so hopefully I will know what the next steps are.
At the moment, I feel like a hamster, running around and going nowhere fast, that's me. What really annoys me is my clinics last minute decisions and new rules. Also what really is killing me is that I do not feel in control I have no idea what is going happen no dates I can agonise about.
Being the control freak I am I am worrying my clinic may tell me:
A) Paranoid me,
We cannot treat you, your AMH is low and FSH is high.
B) Positive me ,
However but consequently the results of your AMH, FSH and follie indiacte there is a small glimmer of hope, so come back on your next AF for a monitoring cycle and you can have a final attempt.
I am not sure which way the wind will blow, A or B, but either way I will get closure on this trying for a child malarkey and hopefully will be able to reclaim my life. For the last 5 yrs plus my life has been on hold, I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to have my maternity leave ie 6 months full pay. I could of left and started at a new company and accrued maternity leave.
What I have now realised is
"Tomorrow is not promised to us but today is all mine".
I think everything in our life happens for a reason but as yet I haven't found out why the reason why my Txt was cancelled. Also, I need to reclaim my life from IVF and open up to people around me and stop the pretending that everything is OK. I really can't cry anymore I have no more tears left or drown my sorrows in a glass of wine, ( I am sick of wine). These things don't numb the pain, it merely coats it for a while. So from now onwards I am going to be more open which should destress me. Also, I need to get a life, maybe a new hobby which should give me a new focus. Enough from me.
To everyone out there positive vibes for you all and I hope all your dreams come through.
"Success in life is not dependant on being dealt a good hand but in playing a bad hand well"
Since my last blog I escaped to dear old Espana for some rest and relaxation away from this stressful process aka "Evil IVF " as I had already planned to be off work for the treatment. Me and DH had a super time, ate and drank a lot, all in all, we recharged our batteries. What I will say is Spain is definitely not the place to go if you wanted to get away from children. Our hotel was overrun with them, at least each family had two but I didn't let it didn't bother me. They were so cute and I thought what a prize that would be to have my own.
On my return to non sunny UK, my peaceful mood didn't last to long as my boss decided to off load all his work on to me (work he couldn't be bothered to action whilst I was away). In hindsight I wish I had applied for another internal post but I naively thought I would get lucky with my treatment! (What you wish for you don't get)
I pill popped for 21 days (started late and managed to miss two it a shame what old age will do for you). My AF came 3 days after stopping the BCP and almost ruined my weekend because I had planned to be at a wedding. I am not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts but my clinic wanted me to redo some tests on cd3 and cd4 which by my calculations was on the day I had planned to be at a Wedding! Due to this test I already decided I wasn't going to the wedding because there was no way I could travel there and back in 24 hrs so I decided I was going to spend the day in the garden reading.
Saturday (4th August) I arrived at clinic at 9.30am was seen by DR X and told I still have the evil CYST but it is smaller!, I could believe it I had popped those BCP for the last 21 days twice a day I will add and the CYST didn't go. DR X did an antral follie count and lo and behold I had 3 follies on each side same as last time, (a total of six, noty brill but ok for my age). Then they said because I still had the Cyst they were not going to do the OST test but an AMH and FSH blood test so I didn't have to be there on Sunday! That meant I could go to the wedding whippee.(Which I will add was fab).
I was told the blood results would be in 5 days because they have to send the AMH to Germany. (I just hope I am not paying for the plane)
From consulting Doctor Google
"Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) is a new blood test developed following clinical research which measures ovarian function – how your ovaries are working. It is more accurate than a simple oestrogen test"
At my age I would be scraping the bottom of barrel so would not have loads of eggs so in my opinion there was no need for this blood test as I know my numbers will be low.
After my blood test, I was told make an appointment for last Friday to get my results. When I called the clinic the reception said the Consultant who I needed to see doesn't work on Friday so will phone me on Thursday night with my results and the next steps. Thursday arrived and no phone call, I was utterly annoyed. Anyway I now have an appointment on Wednesday so hopefully I will know what the next steps are.
At the moment, I feel like a hamster, running around and going nowhere fast, that's me. What really annoys me is my clinics last minute decisions and new rules. Also what really is killing me is that I do not feel in control I have no idea what is going happen no dates I can agonise about.
Being the control freak I am I am worrying my clinic may tell me:
A) Paranoid me,
We cannot treat you, your AMH is low and FSH is high.
B) Positive me ,
However but consequently the results of your AMH, FSH and follie indiacte there is a small glimmer of hope, so come back on your next AF for a monitoring cycle and you can have a final attempt.
I am not sure which way the wind will blow, A or B, but either way I will get closure on this trying for a child malarkey and hopefully will be able to reclaim my life. For the last 5 yrs plus my life has been on hold, I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to have my maternity leave ie 6 months full pay. I could of left and started at a new company and accrued maternity leave.
What I have now realised is
"Tomorrow is not promised to us but today is all mine".
I think everything in our life happens for a reason but as yet I haven't found out why the reason why my Txt was cancelled. Also, I need to reclaim my life from IVF and open up to people around me and stop the pretending that everything is OK. I really can't cry anymore I have no more tears left or drown my sorrows in a glass of wine, ( I am sick of wine). These things don't numb the pain, it merely coats it for a while. So from now onwards I am going to be more open which should destress me. Also, I need to get a life, maybe a new hobby which should give me a new focus. Enough from me.
To everyone out there positive vibes for you all and I hope all your dreams come through.
"Success in life is not dependant on being dealt a good hand but in playing a bad hand well"
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