Which way to go route A or B?

Hi Blog world

Since my last blog I escaped to dear old Espana for some rest and relaxation away from this stressful process aka "Evil IVF " as I had already planned to be off work for the treatment. Me and DH had a super time, ate and drank a lot, all in all, we recharged our batteries. What I will say is Spain is definitely not the place to go if you wanted to get away from children. Our hotel was overrun with them, at least each family had two but I didn't let it didn't bother me. They were so cute and I thought what a prize that would be to have my own.

On my return to non sunny UK, my peaceful mood didn't last to long as my boss decided to off load all his work on to me (work he couldn't be bothered to action whilst I was away). In hindsight I wish I had applied for another internal post but I naively thought I would get lucky with my treatment! (What you wish for you don't get)

I pill popped for 21 days (started late and managed to miss two it a shame what old age will do for you). My AF came 3 days after stopping the BCP and almost ruined my weekend because I had planned to be at a wedding. I am not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts but my clinic wanted me to redo some tests on cd3 and cd4 which by my calculations was on the day I had planned to be at a Wedding! Due to this test I already decided I wasn't going to the wedding because there was no way I could travel there and back in 24 hrs so I decided I was going to spend the day in the garden reading.

Saturday (4th August) I arrived at clinic at 9.30am was seen by DR X and told I still have the evil CYST but it is smaller!, I could believe it I had popped those BCP for the last 21 days twice a day I will add and the CYST didn't go. DR X did an antral follie count and lo and behold I had 3 follies on each side same as last time, (a total of six, noty brill but ok for my age). Then they said because I still had the Cyst they were not going to do the OST test but an AMH and FSH blood test so I didn't have to be there on Sunday! That meant I could go to the wedding whippee.(Which I will add was fab).

I was told the blood results would be in 5 days because they have to send the AMH to Germany. (I just hope I am not paying for the plane)

From consulting Doctor Google

"Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) is a new blood test developed following clinical research which measures ovarian function – how your ovaries are working. It is more accurate than a simple oestrogen test"

At my age I would be scraping the bottom of barrel so would not have loads of eggs so in my opinion there was no need for this blood test as I know my numbers will be low.

After my blood test, I was told make an appointment for last Friday to get my results. When I called the clinic the reception said the Consultant who I needed to see doesn't work on Friday so will phone me on Thursday night with my results and the next steps. Thursday arrived and no phone call, I was utterly annoyed. Anyway I now have an appointment on Wednesday so hopefully I will know what the next steps are.

At the moment, I feel like a hamster, running around and going nowhere fast, that's me. What really annoys me is my clinics last minute decisions and new rules. Also what really is killing me is that I do not feel in control I have no idea what is going happen no dates I can agonise about.

Being the control freak I am I am worrying my clinic may tell me:

A) Paranoid me,
We cannot treat you, your AMH is low and FSH is high.

B) Positive me ,
However but consequently the results of your AMH, FSH and follie indiacte there is a small glimmer of hope, so come back on your next AF for a monitoring cycle and you can have a final attempt.

I am not sure which way the wind will blow, A or B, but either way I will get closure on this trying for a child malarkey and hopefully will be able to reclaim my life. For the last 5 yrs plus my life has been on hold, I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to have my maternity leave ie 6 months full pay. I could of left and started at a new company and accrued maternity leave.

What I have now realised is
"Tomorrow is not promised to us but today is all mine".

I think everything in our life happens for a reason but as yet I haven't found out why the reason why my Txt was cancelled. Also, I need to reclaim my life from IVF and open up to people around me and stop the pretending that everything is OK. I really can't cry anymore I have no more tears left or drown my sorrows in a glass of wine, ( I am sick of wine). These things don't numb the pain, it merely coats it for a while. So from now onwards I am going to be more open which should destress me. Also, I need to get a life, maybe a new hobby which should give me a new focus. Enough from me.

To everyone out there positive vibes for you all and I hope all your dreams come through.


"Success in life is not dependant on being dealt a good hand but in playing a bad hand well"