Feeling Grey today

Hi Blog,

If any one is feeling happy today, please do not read this post because it going to depress you.

I am feeling grey today and my heart feels so heavy. I think it may be due to my Sniffing which has affected my mood so much and made me really tearful. Also, I think it may be related to three events of today and also the reality of my upcoming IVF cycle.

1) Today, I left the office and went out for lunch and saw a colleague who I had worked with about 4 years ago. He had left the company and I hadn't seem him since 2003. He looked really well and asked me how I was. We talked about work and what he has been up to since I last saw him . He told me that they had a child who was almost 2yr and he was enjoying fatherhood and having his son made him realise that life wasn't about going to work but about having a family. I listen intently and smiled but deep down I knew I was hurting my whole life had been dedicated to my career.

Then he enquired and asked if I had any children in the last three years, and I said no, it just didn't happen. He then told me about his sister who had just had IVF (3rd attempt) was pregnant with twins, and said it is possible all odds are not lost. I didn't have the heart to say we tried and failed and are hopefully going again in 3 weeks but I didn't could tell him the truth. then he would think I was a no hoper. I thought in his way, he was just trying to tell me that I still had a chance. After that I quickly moved the conversation onto holidays and after another 5 minutes said I had to dash and it was nice seeing him.

After that I went to get my lunch from Pret and at that time I felt the dark cloud hovering over my head. I went went back to work quite tearful and shed a few tears on the back stairs. I went back to my desk and pretended I was coming down with a cold.

2) Anyway on the way home, I saw a lady at the station who lives locally and to my surprise she was pregnant. (I haven't seen her for about a month) She is the same age as me, I smiled and said hello and walked down the platform away from here. I really couldn't sit with her and discuss her good news. I felt terrible because we normally have a chat but I couldn't today I felt so bad I couldn't say congratulation and share her good news with her. Anyway when I got off the tube, I tried to dash up the stairs and there she was with her bump, so I admitted defeat and walked up the stairs with her and chatted. (once again the black cloud was getting bigger).

3) Just read in the Evening Standard that Sophie is having another baby at age 42. I am pleased for them but felt reading the article why couldn't that be me. (The black cloud has engulfed me)

4) Finally I got home and here I am feeling like crap. My DH doesn't want to discuss it, his approach is we will go for it and if it works it works if it doesn't so be it. I suppose the reality of our situation has probably hit home and the odds of success or low. we were given I think 15% chance, which mean we have 85% chance of coming away with nothing. I wouldn't gamble my life away on those low odds but what can I do nothing. Also I am really apprehension about my baseline scan, the entire cycle especially the end result.

I am sorry if I have depressed anyone I really wanted to be positive but today I am feeling down, down down. I need to put my positive hat on get rid of this black cloud and I have a PMA for this cycle. Anyway, I am off to the gym I need to release my of my frustration, I know it is said you shouldn't exercise but I need to do something before I implode.

Have a great evening